


right back round again

by furyofthetimelords



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Background Relationships, Eventual Happy Ending, Getting Together, M/M, Temporary Character Death, The Turtle CAN Help Us (IT), Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:08:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26387692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/furyofthetimelords/pseuds/furyofthetimelords
Summary: Eddie dies, but that's not the end of the story. In fact it's only the beginning.Or, how Eddie Kasprak saves himself.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & The Losers Club, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 19
Kudos: 136





	right back round again

**Author's Note:**

> woo, here I go again after...much time has passed since I started this/have posted any fic. thanks so much to rippeduncleiroh on tumblr for the extremely helpful editing + story suggestions!

Eddie wakes up, squinting into the light - his head  _ hurts _ , as does the rest of his body and it makes him feel like he’s twenty one and having his first proper hangover in college. Not that he’s much of a drinker, then or now. Especially now that he’s married and settled down - made a life and career for himself, and put those childish things away, just like his mother wanted him to. Although most of that had felt like it had all been for nothing one he’d come back to Derry.

Derry, where it all began. A place he’d all but forgotten until that phone call from Mike Hanlon that had made him crash his car. He wonders if he might have died then, and all of this, Derry and everything was just some fucked up dream his dying brain was having.

Eventually, he gets the courage to open his eyes, slowly so he’s not overwhelmed thus making the headache worse. Bit by bit, his eyes adjust to the light and he takes in his surroundings. The first thing he notices is that he’s definitely in Derry, right outside the sewer where he and his friends stormed in and took on It and saved his friend. He’s just by the water’s edge, and he thinks himself lucky to not have accidentally fallen into the water, which doesn’t look quite right.

As he takes a closer look, Eddie notices the water is strangely dark and slow moving, like it’s thicker than it should be. He almost wants to touch it, just to see if it is just water, but he’s not sure the risk of getting some waterborne disease is worth it. He’s not sure he could handle being poisoned right now. 

As he looks into the water, he starts to see  _ things _ \- memories to be precise. He sees himself sitting the Jade of the Orient, laughing and drinking with the Losers, then watching their faces turn to disgust as the fortune cookies broke open like monster eggs, the leper at the Neibolt house running after him as a kid, the spider creature with Stan’s face for a body. Pennywise himself, transforming from clown to eldritch horror. 

Suddenly, everything comes back all at once. Eddie goes cold and looks down at his stomach and notices the blood starting to seep through his shirt, dripping down his pants to pool at his feet. 

He feels sick, the nausea rising in his throat. It makes him feel like he’s twelve years old again and in bed with the flu, his mother handing him a bucket and patting his back as he pukes. Eddie closes his eyes, and for a moment he just desperately misses his mother. 

_ First step, breathe and let it all out Eddie Bear,  _ he can almost hear his mommy’s voice. Or is it Myra’s? Myra always knew what to do when he was sick, just like his mommy. It’s part of what had drawn him to Myra when they first met. She’d never been bothered by how sick he was, his constant stream of medications, supplements and all the rest. In fact, she’d embraced it like it was her life’s purpose. Hell, she’d even bought him a new pill organiser on their third date. 

Eddie opens his eyes, but the wound is worse - his shirt is in ruins now - the once clean polo is now totally soaked in blood. He feels the metallic taste of blood in the back of his throat. His mind spins, trying to think of some way to stop it, but it keeps coming. There’s a distant part of his mind that knows this should be fatal and he shouldn’t actually be standing up right now, but he isn’t really thinking about that right now. 

More and more blood erupts from the wound.

Eddie screams. 

“If you keep screaming like that you’ll get laryngitis,” a kid’s voice says, and Eddie almost forgets about the  _ massive fucking hole _ in his body. 

Eddie looks up at the kid, and it’s just like looking in a mirror - a mirror from twenty seven years ago. He looks just like the kid in the few photos his mother had of him way back then - gangly, awkward limbs he hadn’t quite grown into. There’s a cast on his arm, the word  _ Loser _ scribbled onto it, but the S is drawn over with a red V, and a fanny pack Eddie is sure is filled with about ten different kinds of medicine.

“What are you doing here?” Eddie asks. The blood starts to pool in his mouth like vomit, and it just makes the nausea worse. He tries to swallow it back, and even attempts to spit it out, but the blood just keeps coming. Eddie panics; is he going to die here, haemorrhaging from a wound given to him by a demonic clown? 

“I’m here because you died, dumbass,” his younger self says. The kid’s watch beeps, and he looks away for a second, and goes to dig in his fanny pack, pulling out his pill bottles one by one and grabbing medication from each.

“I - I’m not -” Eddie argues, but cuts off, and spits out some blood. He feels it dribbling down his chin. 

“You look fucked up as shit,” the kid says, and swallows a pill. “But you don’t have to be like that here. Just stop thinking about it.”

“Stop thinking about it? I’m fucking dying,” he replies. 

“You’re already dead,” the kid replies, and in quick succession swallows three more pills. “I thought I already told you that - just like, stop thinking about it, and it’ll go away. You know you don’t actually have to stay like that.”

“What the fuck else am I supposed to think about?” Eddie asks. He thinks it’s kind of bullshit, especially now the kid has told him to  _ not _ focus on the fucking  _ fatal wound _ on his body. 

“I don’t know, it’s your brain,” the kid replies, and takes the last of his medication.

Eddie tries to think of his friends - Bev, Ben, Mike, Bill, Stan and Richie. He sees them when they were kids, riding their bikes and laughing, fighting a monstrous clown in the sewers, cutting open their palms to make an important promise. He sees them again, as adults. Meeting in the Chinese restaurant and laughing, recalling years he thought he’d lost for good.

He remembers Richie, laughing at him when he says he got married, making jokes about how different everyone was, and the things that never changed at all. Remembers catching Richie's eye as they were arm wrestling, and seeing him smile, feeling a rush of happiness he hasn’t felt in years.

Fucking Richie Tozier, the trashmouth kid who talked a lot like his younger self is talking at him now. Eddie wonders if he picked that up from Richie as a kid. His mommy would’ve killed him if she ever heard him say words like that. 

Suddenly, Eddie realises he can’t taste blood in his mouth anymore, and looking down at his shirt, it’s covered in grime and dirt, sure, but the blood is all gone. No more wounds, like it never happened at all.

“How did you know that would work?” Eddie asks, curious.

The kid shrugs, nonchalant. “I’ve been here longer than you.”

“You’re younger than me,” Eddie argues. 

“Don’t question it - I don’t want you giving yourself a heart attack over it,” the kid says. 

Eddie thinks of his mommy again. “Is - Is mo-” he asks, stuttering like Bill, but cuts off that train of thought before he could get the words out. Does he want to see her again? The last time he’d seen her - or well, the approximation of her form made by It, he’d run away, unable to help her as she’d screamed for his help. Could he face her, after all of that? Look her in the eye after knowing what he did?

Maybe the horrors he’d seen in the basement of the pharmacy weren’t real, but Eddie has to live with the knowledge that he was acting like they were. Sure, his mother was suffocating, but nobody deserves to be left like that. He could’ve been brave, and done something about it, but instead he’d retreated back into cowardice. 

If this was weeks ago, before he came to Derry, Eddie would be leaping at the chance to see her. After she died, Eddie hadn’t been able to stop missing her. The pain was an ever-present ache in his gut that he couldn’t escape. He’d think of her when he’d take his pills, swallowing them down like he’d still had something from her. 

Myra only helped - she comforted him after his mother’s death, and not long after, he’d married her. The whole wedding, he spent thinking about his mother. Wished she was there to tell him the things Myra had, that he could see her one more time. 

But then he’d gotten that phone call from Mike Hanlon and everything had come flooding back. Being told all he’d ever known about his illness, his body, was all a lie. That he wasn’t actually sick, and didn’t even have asthma. 

His mother had lied about it all, kept him scared, terrified and small. He remembers screaming at her after finding out, angry and heartbroken. All the rage of a thirteen year old boy whose whole world has been revealed to be a lie.

Eddie remembers resisting, at first - not taking his medication and flushing it for a while, but when she’d worked that out, she’d stood there as he took them, refusing any sort of affection or acknowledgement until he’d swallowed. 

After weeks of that long game, Eddie had actually gotten sick. For days, he’d be lying in his bed, delirious, and just take whatever was handed to him. And then they’d moved. She’d decided that Derry wasn’t home anymore, not while  _ those dirty kids  _ were around and influencing him. Peer pressure, she’d called it and before long, they were gone.

And Eddie had forgotten everything. So, he’d stopped resisting, forgot why he’d been so stubborn and took his medicine like a good boy again.

Remembering all of that, now, and having the conflicting memories in his head, watching her beg for her life as he just ran away scared, Eddie wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to look her in the eye.

“Mommy isn’t here,” the kid says. 

Eddie almost feels guilty at the amount of relief he feels.

“Oh,” he says. He thinks about Stan, and hopes. “Is Stan here?”

The kid looks down. “I haven’t seen him,” he says, sadly, suddenly very preoccupied with the zipper on his fanny pack. 

“So it’s just us out here?”

“You, really,” the kid says. “But you need to go back.”

“Back?” Eddie asks, confused. Where else is there to go now?

“You’re going back - you died, and it all starts again,” the kid explains and then fixes Eddie with a serious look. “Don’t die again. You know what you’re doing now.”

“What - ” Eddie begins, but the kid pushes him backwards and Eddie feels himself fall back. “Hey what the fu -”

Everything feels like it’s going in slow motion, and Eddie can’t speak, only watch helplessly as the kid stares at him, looking a little sad as Eddie falls back, back, back. He feels like he’s floating, limbs flailing and going in every direction, but there’s no solid ground or wall to hit. 

The kid gets further and further away, and Eddie’s vision tunnels, so all he can see is the bright summer sky above the kid, and those sad, lonely eyes of his younger self watching. 

The world dissolves around him and Eddie blacks out. 

//

The wind picks up as Eddie leaves the pharmacy, his hands shaking after facing the Leper. He stares down at his hands - they’re covered in black vomit, something Eddie is trying very hard not to think about. He doesn't want to know what's in  _ there _ . 

He practically sprints down Main street, not caring he probably looks like a total nutjob. He just wants to get back to the Derry Townhouse and take a fucking shower. There’s no telling what kind of shit might happen here.

_ Why the fuck did I even come here _ , he thinks, and shakes his head. He should’ve never made that pact as a kid. If he’d known he’d get covered in Leper puke, then maybe he’d have told Mike to go fuck himself and blocked his number. Got back on with his life and not be covered in what’s probably a petri dish of  _ diseases _ .

_ Think about something else _ , a voice in his head says, sounding not unlike his child self. Eddie stops walking, and feels a little dizzy. Where had that come from?

_ Remember dumbass _ , the voice says again.

Suddenly, he gets hit with a wave of memories. He remembers Bowers in the townhouse bathroom, getting stabbed and stabbing back. Richie looking like absolute shit next to a pile of vomit and Henry’s corpse. Bill running off and going to the Neibolt house alone. 

Cowering in the corner of a room in the house as Richie is attacked by child Stan’s head.

Facing It, and getting hurt. 

Being in that in-between place and speaking to his younger self. 

After he’d  _ died _ .

His head spins for a minute as the memories crash over him. He places a hand on his gut, feeling nothing but his whole, solid body. No blood, no spider-clown limb poking through. 

_ I’m not dead anymore _ , he thinks, and laughs, feeling a little hysterical. He was dead. But now he’s not, and told to start again by what he thinks is his younger self. Was that real? A dream?

It felt real, though. He remembers the pain of dying, the sharp stab in his gut, and the euphoria of finally, finally fighting back turning to dread when he realises he’s been hurt. Remembers lying on the ground, feeling so heavy and scared, but unable to do much else other than just watch as his life slips away. 

_ I’m okay _ , he thinks and takes a shaky breath, and goes for his inhaler before taking another look at his hands. Fuck, he’s  _ filthy _ . His mother would’ve had a heart attack if she saw him like this. Myra, too.

He power walks back into the Townhouse, ignoring Bev’s wide-eyed stare as he rushes in. He probably looks not unlike she did when she’d got covered in the blood from her bathroom sink.

He thinks he hears her ask if he’s okay. Eddie isn’t really paying a whole lot of attention. 

“Nothing. I’m fine. Everything’s fine,” he says when she asks if he’s okay. 

“Eddie - ” Beverly says, but he’s already run right past her. He needs to be  _ clean _ .

Eddie is so caught up in getting a shower he forgets all about the first time he was here and doesn't even see Henry until he looks up into the mirror to see Bowers standing right behind him.

Eddie screams. 

“It’s your time, Eddie,” Henry says, his knife making a beeline for Eddie’s cheek.

This time, at least, Eddie has the foresight to duck before the knife makes contact. Henry swings again, but this time Eddie rushes him, pushing his old bully back towards the tub.

Henry’s head makes contact with the edge of the bathtub, cracking against it in an awful sound. Eddie scrambles back, pushing himself up so he can get away. There’s no fucking way he’s dealing with Henry any more than he has to. And it looks like this time he’d lucked out in not getting stabbed in the face.

Eddie stares down at Bowers, who’s slumped inside the tub. His eyes are closed, and Eddie wonders what the hell he’s supposed to do here. 

“Uh, Guys?” Eddie yells out, desperate for some reassurance, or another brain to assess the situation that isn’t currently on the verge of the panic attack.

Bev and Ben come running in, although Eddie can see them recoil a little when they see Bowers collapsed by the tub, blood dripping down his back and into the tub.

“Eddie!” Beverly says as she rushes up to him. “Are you okay?”

Eddie shakes his head. He touches his face, pressing his fingers against the smooth, stab-free skin. No blood. No hole. He’s  _ fine _ . Still, he can’t shake the memories, the  _ fear _ . His throat feels tight.

He takes a puff of his inhaler, breathing in deeply. His body relaxes. He might still be covered in gross shit, but he  _ needs _ this, okay?

“What the hell happened?” Ben asks. Eddie just points to Henry with his free hand. 

“Is that who I think it is?” Ben says, his eyes on the knife that’s lying beside Henry’s hand. Eddie thinks about the first time they met Ben, a memory he’d almost forgotten. The bloody letters carved into the kid’s stomach.

“Yep,” Eddie says and laughs, a little hysterical. Has he killed Henry? Fuck. He’s not sure how he’d cope with killing a man. A demon clown, sure. No problem - that’s a demon. But a human being, even one as fucking awful as Henry Bowers? Eddie’s not sure he’s going to be able to deal with that one. 

Beverly gets on her knees, and holds a hand out in front of Henry’s face. “I can feel his breath,” she says. 

Eddie relaxes the smallest fraction. He’s not a killer.

“I can’t believe he’s still got that mullet. It’s been  _ thirty years _ ,” Eddie says.

“We should get Richie,” Ben says. “Thank god he didn’t leave.”

“I uh, I think he’s gone,” Eddie says, glancing out the window where Richie’s car had been parked, and is decidedly  _ gone _ now. It makes Eddie a little pissed off, but he knows Richie probably hasn’t even made it out of town yet. Probably holed up somewhere sulking. 

“No - he just told me he was going to - fuck,” Ben says. He doesn’t look mad, just disappointed, which Eddie has always felt was worse. He’s glad that kind of disappointment isn’t directed at him. Ben just has a way about him that makes anyone feel bad for disappointing him.

“We’ll find him,’ Beverly says. “He can’t have gotten far.”

“I’ll uh, let you do that while I take a very long, and very hot shower,” Eddie says, already daydreaming about the moment when he’s finally, finally clean again.

“Okay yeah, what the  _ hell  _ happened to you?” Bev asks. “You look like I did when the blood came out of my sink.”

“Leper,” Eddie says. “Got thrown up on.”

_ But that’s nothing compared to dying _ , he thinks, a little hysterical. 

Eddie wonders if he should say something - maybe the other Losers are also going through this, but Bev and Ben are both acting like they’ve never seen Bowers in his shower before. So, maybe they don’t know. This is all just him - nobody else gets to remember they’re doing it all again.

It makes Eddie think about what could’ve happened after he died - had they all really managed to defeat it? Had his plan worked? Eddie isn’t sure, and he desperately wishes he’d managed to stay alive long enough for that.

The Ritual of Chud didn’t work - he knows that much. But would they believe him? Eddie isn’t sure - all the Losers are on edge, and perhaps Mike was right - they needed something to believe in. And maybe it’s up to him now to get it all done.

The thought makes him a little anxious - being responsible for five other lives? He takes another hit of his inhaler and feels almost instantly better. He’ll figure it out, somehow.

“Alright then, you can clean up and we’ll get started,” Beverly says and gives him a pat on the shoulder. “Wanna use my shower?”

“Oh, uh yeah,” Eddie says and remembers Bowers is still in the room. “Should we tie him up or something?”

“I’ll figure something out,” Ben says. “You get cleaned up.”

Eddie really doesn’t need to be told twice. He makes a beeline for Bev’s room and her shower, almost crying with relief as the water washes over him. 

_ I’m alive _ , he thinks, a little hysterical.  _ I died, but I’m alive _ . 

He almost can’t believe his luck, being given a second chance, and Eddie’s determined not to waste it. 

As he showers, Eddie plans.

//

Once he’s finally done on rinse number fourteen, Eddie starts to feel a little more like himself, although he’s still dreading what’s to come. Even though he’s died once and seen the other side, Eddie still feels an awful anxiety about the prospect of dying. He desperately doesn’t want to end up there again, bleeding out on the floor of Pennywise’s den.

He gets dressed carefully, still keeping an eye on the door and window lest someone else get in. Bowers was only one man, and Eddie isn’t taking the chance that Pennywise hasn’t got some other sick tricks up his sleeve.

“Eddie! We’ve found him!” he hears Beverly yell from downstairs. Eddie feels a little guilty for how relieved he is, and also a little pissed off. What right did Richie have to just  _ leave _ ? They all agreed - staying was the only option. Hell, Bev had told them as much. 

Eddie almost doesn’t want to see him, the knowledge that Richie really just took off sits uncomfortably in his stomach. Last time, he’d never had time to ask where the hell Richie had gone, and nobody had a chance to say anything. 

Before he can really make his mind up about if he wants to see Richie, the man himself is standing there at the door. He looks a little sheepish, and doesn’t quite meet Eddie’s eyes. 

“I can’t believe you decided to just fucking leave,” Eddie says after a long moment of silence. 

“Well, I had dates in Reno,” Richie says with a shrug. 

“And what about now?” Eddie asks.

“I thought about some things, and well, maybe Bev threatened to kill me if I didn’t come back,” Richie replies, walking towards the bed, where Eddie is sitting. “I shouldn’t have gone.”

“You really shouldn’t have,” Eddie says. 

“I was scared,” Richie says softly, completely avoiding Eddie’s gaze, but he sits down by Eddie. Not close enough to touch, but close enough that Eddie is  _ aware _ that he’s right there. So close, he could reach out. He almost wants to, but the storm of emotions inside of him makes him reluctant. 

“We need you here,” Eddie says.  _ I need you here _ , he thinks, but doesn’t say it. There’s no way in hell he’s going to say any of that to Richie. He’d probably never live it down - Richie’s head is big enough and Eddie of all people isn’t going to feed his ego. No matter how true of a statement it might be.

“I went to the Synagog,” Richie says. “I was thinking about Stan.”

Eddie doesn’t know what to say to that. It’s not what he expects to hear. Maybe an excuse about why he  _ had _ to go, that he wouldn’t listen to Ben. 

“You know, I was the only one of us to rock up to his bar mitzvah. It was back when we were all fighting - and I just. I couldn’t stop thinking about the speech he made. Called himself a Loser and said fuck in front of everyone. Even his dad - can you imagine!”

Eddie smiles, thinking of how Stan must’ve looked - all dressed up and proper but swearing at everyone. 

“I couldn’t believe it - I actually had to fucking applaud once he was done,” Richie says. “Bev and Ben found me after that. And it reminded me of something.”

“What’s that?” Eddie asks.

“I’m always gonna be a fucking Loser,” Richie replies. “So I guess I better start acting like it.”

“Hey guys?” Ben says from the doorway. “Bill’s gone to Niebolt. The - the kid. He says he saw It kill him.”

Eddie’s stomach sinks. 

_ This is where it starts _ , he thinks, dread pooling in his stomach. He looks out the window, the light already fading into dusk. He’s only just realising how much of the day has gone by. 

“We should get Mike,” Eddie says. “We need everyone together.”

Ben nods, and looks over at Richie, an unreadable expression on his face. Richie doesn’t say anything, but he just stands up and looks at Ben right back.

“Let’s go get ‘em, then,” He says. 

Ben seems to take that. “Let’s go - we’ll take my car.”

//

The house on Neibolt looks the same as last time, a big dark ugly sore spot right in the middle of Derry. Eddie briefly wonders if the house is even real - maybe it was just another ugly manifestation of It. He wouldn’t be surprised - something as ugly and dangerous as this should’ve been torn down years ago.

Eddie instinctively places a hand on his stomach, thinking of the last time he was here. He can still picture Pennywise’s claw slicing his gut. He takes a deep breath, reminding himself he’s still here, still real and not dying in a cave in the ground somewhere.

Bill is standing in front of the house, looking ready to storm the place. 

“Bill!” Mike calls out, and Bill turns around, looking a little surprised to see the rest of the Losers there.

“You g-guys should go,” Bill insists. “I-I started all of this, It’s m-my fault you’re here.”

“Cut the shit, Bill,” Eddie says. “We’re not letting you do this yourself.”

The others are looking at him, surprised. Eddie ignores their stares, and focuses on Bill.

“You’re not the only one who wants to do this,” Eddie says. 

“I c-c-can’t ask you to do this,” Bill says. 

“We’re coming with you, and we’re not asking you either,” Bev says, and picks up an iron rail off the ground. Eddie has a flash of memory - throwing the rail into the clown’s maw, all because he truly believed it could kill monsters, all because she’d said so.

“We didn’t do it alone then, and we’re not going to do it now,” Mike says, steady and sure.

“Losers stick together,” Ben says. 

There’s a pause, and all of them look to the house. Eddie wonders yet again and wonders how the hell he ever managed to let himself be talked into going inside as a kid.

“Are you okay?” Richie asks from beside Eddie. He places a hand on Eddie’s arm. 

Eddie nods. “I can do this,” he says. Anxiety still thrums through his veins, but he’s also determined to get through it.

“We need to stick together this time,” Mike says, laying out the plan. “The ritual won’t work if we’re not united.”

_ It won’t work anyway _ , Eddie thinks. He’s terrified, unsure of how he might actually do something, but he’s had some time to think. He thought a lot about what he’d said right before he died - how he’d  _ believed  _ he could hurt the Leper, and almost did. 

He knows it’s a shot in the dark, but it might work.

They just have to get Pennywise  _ small _ . How he’s going to convince them this is the way to do it, he’s not sure, but he knows it has to work, even if the ritual won’t. But they need to do it - lure Pennywise out long enough to get him in the open, so Eddie’s playing along. 

“We stick together,” Bev echoes. Everyone is nodding grimly, and Bill at least has the audacity to look a little guilty. But nobody really has the heart to tell him off; they all understand the blindspot that Georgie could cause. 

“It’s not going to let us go easy, huh?” Ben asks. 

“I doubt It’s not going to give us a fight,” Mike replies. “This thing won’t die easily, but we’ll be ready for it.”

“Alright then,” Richie says, and then turns to the rest of the group. “Let’s go kill this fucking clown.”

//

Even though he’s already been through it once before, the fear of being inside the abandoned house feels fresh. 

His head lamp illuminates the darkness, showing off every cobweb and bug lurking in the corners. That doesn’t make Eddie feel any more comfortable, only highlights his anxiety about the whole thing. He knows what’s coming - seen a sneak peak into the future by virtue of having already lived it once - but that doesn’t make the wait any easier. 

In fact, it’s worse. He’s tense and uncomfortable, waiting for the clown to strike. He knows it’s coming, but unsure of exactly when the moment will come.

Some kind of acidic goo pours out of the stairs, the sound of dissolving wood making Eddie’s stomach churn. He thinks of the leper, and whatever gross vomit it sprayed on him. 

_ Thank fuck  _ that  _ wasn’t acid _ , he thinks and rubs his hands as if he’s still trying to wipe off the Leper’s mess.

“Well I love what he’s done with the place,” Richie says dryly. 

“Beep, beep Richie,” Bev says. 

Eddie wanders into the kitchen, behind Bill and with Richie nearby. 

Suddenly, Ben cries out. 

The door slams behind them.

Eddie’s stomach sinks.  _ Here we go _ .

“Ben!” Bill calls out, slamming his fist against the door as if it might make it open.

The refrigerator rattles. The door swings open, and just like last time, Stan - or his dead, child-aged body rather - is stuffed inside of it. His limbs are twisted all wrong and Eddie knows what’s coming next. He shifts away, not wanting to be the one to face the brunt of his blow. 

“It’s - it’s Stan,” Richie says, nervousness clear in his voice. 

Stan screams, and his head falls off, rolling across the ground. Richie jumps put out of the way and Eddie presses himself up against the wall, fear making him choke. He knows this isn’t real, logically, but the irrational part of his brain takes over.

“It’d still be alive if it wasn’t for you, Bill,” Stan’s head says. 

“N-no,” Bill says, shaking his head. 

“Richie, what’s happening to me,” Stan’s head says, as spider-y limbs explode out from under his skin. One even pokes out of the corner of Stan’s eye, not quite fully-formed but twitching and moving all the same.

The head runs around for a while and for a moment Eddie hopes again it’s gone, but he looks up and it’s there, pouncing on Richie and clinging to his face. 

Bill leaps into action immediately, trying to pull it off.

Eddie freezes.  _ Fucking move _ , he tells himself, but it’s like his limbs won’t obey. He’s frozen in place, watching helplessly as Richie is attacked. 

_ Bill is there, he’s helping _ , Eddie thinks. 

Bill yells out at Eddie to get the knife. 

Eddie still can’t move. 

Richie screams, an awful terrified sound, and then something inside Eddie snaps. He wakes up and makes a break for the knife, passing it to Bill to do the dirty work of killing the spider-Stan. 

Bill stabs at it with one swift blow, and again for good measure. The spider legs go still and it makes a few pathetic wheezes before going completely silent. 

Ben rushes into the room then, Bev and Mike are following behind, and Ben pulls the thing right off Richie’s face. He throws it into the corner, the spider thing making an awful crunching thud. 

The Losers all stand there watching it, waiting for it to move. It suddenly jumps up and scuttles away.

“What the fuck was that,” Ben says. 

Bill helps Richie up. “Fuck if I know,” Richie says. “It jumped me.”

“Let’s keep going,” Bill says, and looks over at Eddie. “Thanks for passing me the knife.”

Eddie nods weakly, still feeling like he should’ve done more, helped before it was too late. He doesn’t meet Richie’s eyes as they move on, deeper into the house to face the nightmares ahead. 

//

It all falls apart when Richie gets caught in the deadlights. Eddie watches in slow motion as it happens, Richie’s body going limp like a rag doll as Pennywise jerks him around like some kind of sick puppet.

“Come on,  _ dance _ ,” Pennywise says gleefully. “Show us what you’ve got, Richie!”

Eddie stops thinking, grips the iron rail Beverly had dropped and  _ throws _ . It screams, and Richie falls to the ground. Eddie rushes over, desperately hoping he’s okay. He knows he survived last time, but what if it’s different now? Has he changed enough that it means Richie might die instead of him?

_ I almost lost him _ , he thinks. His mind races, and all he can focus on is  _ Richie, Richie _ ,  _ Richie _ . He doesn’t look that badly hurt, but there’s a possibility for internal injuries and Eddie desperately wants this all to be over so he can get Richie to a fucking hospital.

_ Please be okay _ , he thinks desperately. He opens his mouth, ready to try and tell Richie about the Leper, how he thinks he might be able to stop all of this, but before he can open his mouth, there’s a razor sharp claw bursting through his stomach. Eddie collapses, his legs giving out from underneath him. He lands on top of Richie, and for a moment, he can feel the racing of the other man’s heartbeat before he’s moving again.

Distantly, he hears someone scream. He thinks it might be Richie. Eddie feels himself get flung across the cave - still attached to Pennywise’s claw, manic evil clown laughter echoing across the cave. Eventually it lets Eddie go and he gets flung across the cave and rolls through the cave entrance.

He lies there for what feels like an eternity - even though he’s been through all of this before, it still hurts.

Eventually, the Losers are in front of him and Eddie immediately feels better. He may be dying, but at least he’s not alone. They fuss around him, Richie hovering right there with an awful expression on his face. 

“Ow,” Eddie says as they try to sit him up. “This hurts.”

The others don’t say much, and Eddie knows they must be exchanging very grim looks. Eddie knows how this is going, and he lies back a little. “You should all go back,” he says. “I’m done.”

“You - don’t you fucking dare die on me, Spaghetti,” Richie says. He’s leaning over Eddie, hands hovering over his chest, like he’s trying to work out how to fix it. 

Eddie smiles weakly. “Not fucking dead yet,” he says. He can taste blood in the back of his throat. His whole body feels heavy, so heavy he could sleep. “Just out of this fight.”

Richie sobs, a little hysterical. His face is awful, twisted with a kind of grief Eddie doesn’t know how to deal with. He sees the other Losers too, all of them looking so hopeless.

“The - the Leper,” Eddie says. “I nearly killed it.”

He desperately tries to tell them about it, about how he was so close to causing real damage before with the Leper. Richie looks on, eyes wide and nods. All it will take is a little faith in the face of fear, at least, that’s what Eddie hopes. It’s the only chance they’ve got, and he believes in them. If anyone can defeat this clown, it’s the Losers. His best friends.

“We’re coming back to this, Spaghetti,” Richie says. “Don’t you fucking do anything stupid.”

“Before you go - I have something to say,” Eddie says, unable to help himself. He wants to make Richie smile, just one last time.

“What?” Richie says, eyes wide. 

“I fucked your mom,” Eddie says. Richie blinks, a little shocked. 

“Fuck you,” Richie replies, but there’s the barest hint of a smile on his face. 

Eddie laughs weakly. He can feel the life draining out of him, and he desperately wants to close his eyes. Just to sleep, for a moment. 

He pushes Richie back towards the fight, where the other Losers are already pushing back at Pennywise, trying to make it small enough to kill. Richie looks like he’d rather just sit by Eddie, and for that Eddie does feel grateful, but he knows Richie needs to be out there and not distracted by a dying man.

Richie does sit by him for a while longer than everyone else, but eventually gets back up and goes in for the fight. Eddie feels another wave of exhaustion wash over him. His whole body feels weighed down with it.

_ I’ll wake up when it’s done _ , he thinks and lets the heaviness take hold. Distantly, he can hear the Losers shouting at the clown, yelling how they’re no longer afraid of him.

Eddie dies, not for the first time, on the ground in the den of a monster. 

//

“You did it again, dumbass,” someone says and Eddie opens his eyes, blinking against the light. 

“Did what?” he says, confused. He’d only meant to sleep for a moment - what the hell had happened?

“Died,” the voice replies, and Eddie jumps out of his skin. His eyes focus and he snaps back to reality. Or, whatever. He’s not entirely sure any of this is real. It could all just be some dying hallucination before he really kicks the bucket.

“Fuck,” Eddie says. “Do I have to do this again?”

The kid nods. Eddie groans in frustration. Of course he wasn’t fast enough again, not enough to be  _ better _ . He feels like a fool, because surely he should’ve done better this time. He knew everything, and still he died. 

He could’ve fixed it, actually made a fucking difference instead he just died. Fell back into the same fucking pattern as before. He feels like he’s doomed, just destined to repeat the same old bullshit again and again. 

He looks over at the kid, who’s just looking at him with sad eyes. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“You look like you’re about to give up,” the kid says.

“I’m stuck,” Eddie says. Is this what life is going to be now? Dying on repeat as if he’s trapped in a fucked up version of groundhog day, but without any end in sight.

The kid frowns. “You can move.”

“No- fuck. You don’t understand any of this. You’re just a kid.” Eddie sighs. 

“I’m thirteen!” The kid says indignantly. He looks pissed - Eddie remembers that look well, people assuming he was too young to understand things. Only now, he thinks they were probably right. 

“So, a kid,” Eddie replies. “You haven’t had to deal with any of this shit. You’re not the one dying out there all the time.”

“I am,” the kid says. “I’m with you, all the time. I  _ am _ you.”

“Then you’d know why I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“I’m scared,” the kid confesses, looking down. “I don’t want you to give up.”

“I’m not giving up,” Eddie says, feeling a wave of exhaustion. Can’t he just die in peace? Go into the light and be done with it all. He feels like he deserves it, after all of that shit.

“If you don’t go back, you’ll just get stuck here. Nobody else is going to be able to find you.”

“I don’t want to die again,” Eddie says. He’s already done it twice, and 

“Neither do I, dumbass. It  _ hurts _ ,” the kid says. 

“So what am I supposed to do? Keep dying over and over? Is this some kind of sick game?” Eddie asks. 

“No, it’s not a game. You can  _ fix _ this,” the kid insists. “You just need to try.”

“Why me?” Eddie says. “What the fuck can I do?”

“You’ll just have to figure that out - I don’t know.”

“Then how do you know that I can do anything?” Eddie argues. 

The kid looks down. “The turtle,” he says, fiddling with the zipper on his fanny pack. 

“The  _ what _ ?”

“The turtle. It - the clown you call Pennywise - is his brother, and you’re some of the only people who’ve managed to really hurt It.”

“And this turtle is like, okay with that?” Eddie asks, confused. He’s not sure what the hell the kid is on about, and he wonders, not for the first time, if this is all a dream. Surely real life doesn’t include mystical turtles that can make days repeat themselves.

“The turtle doesn’t like It,” the kid says. “You’re the only one who can fix it, so the turtle is letting you try again.”

“How generous,” Eddie says. “Why does this turtle hate It?”

“The turtle is It’s brother,” the kid explains. “It destroys, the turtle creates.”

Eddie’s head spins. The whole thing sounds ridiculous, but what else does it matter? There’s already enough weird shit going on, so why not have some turtle god thrown into the mix?

“How many times do I need to do this?” Eddie asks.

“Until you get it,” the kid says. “But you need to go -  _ now _ .”

The water rushes in on him again, dragging Eddie down into the depths. He tries to fight back, stay a little longer here in this in-between place, but it’s like the water has a mind of its own. Eventually he gives up, letting the water take him. 

The last thing he sees before he vanishes is the kid looking down at him, a desperate expression on his face.

//

It starts just like the last time - coming back to himself at the pharmacy, the adrenaline of the fight with the leper mixing with the rush of not one, but two confrontations with Pennywise.

Eddie is spoiling for a fight; he’s never been one for violence, but now dying -  _ twice  _ \- at the hands of some fucked up demon clown is exactly what’s pushing him over the edge.

So, when he gets back to the Inn, he makes a beeline for the bathroom, ready to confront Henry Bowers. He sees Bev’s eyes widen briefly as he passes, but he doesn’t even stop to say anything.

He’s never really been in a fight before, but he doesn’t let that stop him. Eddie has died twice now, felt pain and fear and been dragged out of the afterlife. The worst is all done, so what’s a high school bully to him now?

Henry is right there, and it doesn’t take long for Eddie to wrestle control of the knife. Bowers seems surprised when Eddie rushes him, and that’s all Eddie needs. 

“You can’t beat me,” Bowers says manically, right before Eddie stabs him with his own knife. He goes down hard, looking down at the knife sticking out of his chest like he can’t believe it’s there. 

“You - you weren’t supposed to do that,” he says, and pulls the knife out. Blood pours out of the wound, and Eddie regrets not going for the throat. But that doesn’t seem to matter for long, because before Bowers can make another move, Eddie pushes him down and his head cracks against the window pane, and he collapses. 

For a moment, Eddie just stands there, staring at Henry’s body. Has he just killed a man? The adrenaline is starting to wear off, and he’s coming back to himself. What the hell was he thinking, he could’ve just - 

Suddenly, he hears a high pitched scream and Eddie looks up to see Beverly and Ben standing at the door, both equally horrified expressions on their face.

“Is that who I think it is?” Ben says, his face pale as a sheet. He looks uncomfortable, and Eddie is keenly reminded of how he met Ben - terrified and bloody after Bowers and his crew gave him a proper Derry welcome.

_ I hate this town _ , Eddie thinks. If he has his way about it, he’ll never set foot in this place again once it’s all over. 

“It’s Henry Bowers, yeah. Well,  _ was _ Henry Bowers. I don’t think you can say that about someone who’s dead,” Eddie says, and feels the beginnings of hysteria rising in his throat. What the hell has he done?

“Did he hurt you?” Bev asks. 

Eddie shakes his head. “I got him before he could get me,” he says, trying not to think too hard about the specifics of what he did. He swallows thickly, anxiety making his stomach churn.

“I’m glad he didn’t get you,” Bev says. “Why are you covered in, well whatever the hell that is?”

Eddie shakes his head. He thinks for a moment about telling her and Ben the whole truth but would that work? How could he tell them he’s been through this before, and if he did, how much would it change the actions of the Loser’s ahead? Could he even survive this if the events don’t happen the same? To stay on the safe side, he sticks to simple facts, ones that don’t involve turtles or time loops.

“When I was at the pharmacy - which, by the way Mr Keen still works there, really thought he should be dead by now - but, well, I went downstairs and got thrown up on by a Leper,” Eddie explains. “ _ Not _ how I thought my day was going to go.”

“It’s been a weird day for us all,” Ben says, and shakes his head. “Should I call a lawyer? I know some people who might be able to help.”

“Maybe,” Eddie says, a little distracted. He doesn’t want to think about the consequences right now. Bowers is out for the count, and that’s all he can really let himself care about. At least he doesn’t have a knife in his cheek.

Instead it’s Henry Bowers with the knife in him.

“Should we call the cops?” Ben asks. “Or an ambulance?”

Bev shakes her head. “I don’t think we should get anyone else involved,” she says. “Besides, I think he’s gone.”

“I can make some calls, if you want me to, Eddie,” Ben offers. 

Eddie nods. “If you want. I appreciate it, man. Where’s Richie?” he asks, knowing full well that Richie has probably left by now, although some embarrassing part of Eddie hopes he’s still around. Not to mention he could use a distraction from the whole killed-a-man thing.

“I - fuck, I think he’s gone,” Ben says, looking out the window. “His car isn’t here.”

“What happened to him?”

Ben shakes his head. “I don’t know. He stormed back in here about an hour ago and refused to speak about it. Started talking about his tour dates, but I thought he was going to stick around after I talked him down.”

“We’ll find him,” Bev says, and places a hand on Ben’s arm. Ben seems to relax a little bit at that. 

“I can go look for him too,” Eddie says. “I mean, I’ll need like fifty showers after this but I think I can find him.”

“Are you sure?” Bev asks.

“I need to get out of here,” Eddie says anxiously. The walls in here feel too small. He needs to be somewhere else. Exit the situation. Finding Richie will make everything feel okay.

Bev’s face softens. “Then you’ll go look for Richie, me and Ben will deal with this.”

“I can’t ask you to do that,” Eddie says, looking down at the body of his former bully.

Bev just smiles at him. “Think of it as payback for when you cleaned the blood out of my bathroom when we were kids.”

“I hope you have better luck than me talking him down,” Ben says. “I’ll make some calls for you.”

Eddie nods, grateful for the distraction and how easy it was. He almost wants to tell them the full truth again, but hesitates. What good would that do now?

“So, whose shower can I use?”

“Use mine. You know where it is - third door down,” Ben says and passes his key to Eddie. 

“Thanks again, you guys,” Eddie says, and feels a little overwhelmed for a moment. Until now, he thought he’d never had friends like this - people who cared this much about him and he cared about in return. He’d had work colleagues who he’d chat to briefly at the office, and even see sometimes outside of work. He’d had his mom too, and Myra, of course. For a long time, he thought he hadn’t needed much else, just his job and the wife at home, caring for his mother on the side. A successful man, doing what he should be to provide for his wife and family. It strikes him that he didn’t have friends, just obligations.

He’s pretty sure none of the people he calls friends in his so-called normal life would’ve done anything like this for him. They probably would’ve immediately called the cops on  _ him _ , and maybe slipped him the number for a “Recovery Resort” many of them cycled through every other year for one addiction or another. 

“It’s no problem,” Ben says. “You’re my friend.”

Eddie feels a little overwhelmed, and a little too close to crying. He shakes his head, and ducks out of the room, taking a deep breath before making a beeline for the shower. 

As the water washes away the dirt and grime and god knows what else covering him, Eddie plans. 

He knows this might not be the last time this happens, this loop. Everything has happened not too dissimilar than before, but he knows it’s going to take more than just stabbing Bowers to fix everything. He needs this to work, has to make it work. 

He doesn’t like the idea of being stuck forever - trapped in the same day dying over and over again as he goes. It’s not a life, and certainly dying painfully every day isn’t exactly how he wants his life to go. 

Eddie thinks uncomfortably of dying the first couple of times - being cold and feeling so  _ tired _ , but helpless to stop anything. All he could do then was let the scene play out, watch on as his friends tried to fight back. Now, he knows he wants to fix it - change something so he can survive. 

He resolves to commit it all to memory, every detail of the day so even if not now, the next day he’ll be ready. He’ll get it right. Things will be fixed. 

Eddie just hopes his luck won’t run out in the meantime.

//

Eddie finds Richie’s car parked outside the synagogue; it’s empty. He looks to the door, which is open slightly, like someone forgot to shut it properly. 

He looks up at the building, feeling a huge mix of emotions swelling in his chest. It reminds him of Stan, and for a moment he feels such an intense grief he can’t breathe. It’s worse than when his mother died. He, at least, had remembered who she was. He’d forgotten all about Stan and what had happened. He’d died. He wonders what Stan the Man was, not just the boy. He mourns for more than just the man, for all those years they’d lost from this curse.

Eddie takes a puff of his inhaler, and exhales slowly. 

Opening the door, he immediately sees Richie sitting hunched over in a pew. He looks lost in thought, and Eddie thinks about the anger he’d felt last time before Richie had told him where he’d gone. How mad he’d been that Richie of all people had tried to run off without the rest of the Losers. Without him.

Now, he just feels relieved - he’s found Richie, and somehow, he’ll get Richie to come back. For a moment, he regrets not going with Bev the last time. What had she said that had made him stop running? He files that way for next time in case this attempt doesn’t work.

“I thought you’d fucking bailed on us, asshole,” Eddie says lightly, and Richie jumps.

“Nope, just felt like communing with the high and mighty,” Richie replies, recovering smoothly. 

“Shut the fuck up, I know you haven’t sat through a church service since you were like five.”

Richie shrugs. “Maybe I’ve found God.”

“Jewish people don’t say that,” Eddie says. “If we were in a Catholic church, maybe you’d have a leg to stand on.”

“Okay, fine, you got me. I was leaving,” Richie says, and holds his hands up. “But I’m not going anymore.”

“You’re not?” Eddie says, surprised. He’d expected a lot more resistance.

“Yeah, you got me at a soft moment, I guess. I still think it’s an incredibly stupid idea, but when the fuck have I made the smart decision?”

“You still managed to miss all the action -- Bowers showed up.”

Richie startles at that. “ _Henry_ _Bowers_?” he says, and glances around, as if the man himself might show up.

“The one and only,” Eddie replies. 

“Fuck, shouldn’t he be in like, prison or something?” Richie says.

“I think he got broken out by It,” Eddie says. “He was wearing some kind of uniform.”

“Figures that kid would get locked up,” Richie says. “Too bad they couldn’t have done it when he was fifteen.”

“I think he’s been locked up for a long time.” Eddie says. “I looked it up, he’s been in some psych ward for twenty seven years. He killed his own father.”

“And fucked his own mother?” Richie asks, a smirk on his face.

“Beep beep, Richie,” Eddie says, rolling his eyes. 

They sit in silence for a moment, and Eddie thinks about telling Richie the truth. He almost thinks Richie might not believe him, but after all the weird shit happened since they arrived in Derry, what’s a little time travel? Besides, Richie has always been in his corner, no matter how dumb or outlandish Eddie’s ideas had been.

He thinks back to the last time he saw Richie, as he lay dying on the ground in It’s cave. There had been an awful look on Richie’s face, something Eddie never wants to see on anyone’s face, least of all his best friend’s. 

It’s a little weird, he thinks, how he still considered Richie his best friend. All of the Losers, really. They haven’t seen each other in twenty seven years, yet now he couldn’t think of anyone he likes better. He loves them all, so much.

His best friends. Losers for life.

It hurts to think if he hadn’t had this weird stroke of cosmic luck, he’d be lost forever. 

_ What if it’s not luck?  _ A horrible part of his brain thinks. Eddie hadn’t considered that. Why would Pennywise bring him back, knowing what he knows? But it could all be another trick, right before he dies. 

Maybe he also got caught in the deadlights. 

The thought sits with him uncomfortably. Eddie isn’t sure what the fuck he’d do if that’s the case. Maybe the universe would implode if he tried to tell someone.

_ I shouldn’t say anything _ , he thinks,  _ not until I’m sure _ .

His phone rings. It’s Beverly. “Bill’s gone to fight Pennywise,” Bev says when he picks up. 

“Of course he has,” Eddie says, sighing. He doesn’t want to go through this fight again, but he knows he’s got no choice. Not if he hopes to make it out alive.

“Meet up at Mike’s. We need to do this tonight,” Beverly says. “Did you find Richie?”

“Hadn’t even made it out of the town,” Eddie replies. “We’ll be there soon.”

“What’s going on?” Richie asks when Eddie hangs up. 

“Bill’s gone after Pennywise. Alone,” Eddie says.

“Fucking hell,” Richie says. “Are we going there too?”

“We need to stop him,” Eddie says. He knows Richie will come, even if it seems reluctant. They’re all in this together now, and no matter how scared they all are, doing it together is the only option they’ve got.

“No shit. Letting Big Bill take all the glory? I don’t think so,” Richie jokes, but Eddie senses there’s a deeper worry there. It’s been like that since they were kids - Richie covering up his feelings with crude jokes, like he doesn’t want the world to know how much he cares.

Eddie wouldn’t trade it for the world. Sure, Richie was annoying as all hell sometimes, but the guy had heart. It’s one of the things that always drew him to Richie - even if he’d been the most annoying out of all of his friends, but there was something about him that just made Eddie want to be around him all the time. 

And Richie had always been there for him - sneaking in when Eddie’s mother had been particularly strict some weeks and refused to let Eddie go out, telling him jokes and always just lightening the mood. Reading comics under the blankets with a torch, just hanging out.

He doesn’t know he managed without Richie for so long. Sure, he got by but he feels like now, remembering him, that life would’ve been a hell of a lot better if he’s had Richie by his side. It’s strange, how much of a need that is now. There’s always been something about Richie that made Eddie want to stick around, bother him and just get his attention. 

Eddie would never be caught dead admitting it, but he’s always thought Richie was cool. He never seemed to be afraid of anything, said what he wanted and seemed so sure about himself. 

It had made Eddie want to be brave, sometimes. Just to see Richie smile at him and call him some dumbass nickname (another thing he’ll take to his fucking  _ grave _ before admitting. Richie would never let him hear the end of it). 

“Come on, let’s go kill a clown,” Eddie says and claps a hand on Richie’s shoulder. A warm feeling erupts in his chest, and he doesn’t feel so scared anymore.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, Eds,” Richie says, and shakes his shoulders as if he’s shrugging off a bad mood.

“Don’t fucking call me that,” Eddie replies, although there’s no malice in his tone. It’s an automatic response, warm and familiar.

Richie just smiles, wide and bright. It makes Eddie feel fearless.

//

Somehow, Eddie is still surprised that the Neibolt house doesn’t look any different to the last couple of times. It stands there silently, an ugly decaying sore spot in the middle of Derry. It reminds Eddie of how he used to think cancer cells looked - dark, misshapen lumps clinging to the healthy parts of the body and corrupting it.

Part of Eddie just wants to run - to get away and see what might happen if he simply does nothing, but he knows he can’t do that. For all his fear, he’s unable to leave now - he’s already died twice now and he’s more determined than ever to make things right. 

Just like before, they all rush out of the car to meet Bill on the steps. 

“Fuck you, we’re not letting you go in there alone,” Eddie says before Bill can even get through the first sentence of his bullshit speech. He doesn’t have time for that.

Bill blinks, surprised at Eddie’s aggressive tone. The other Losers give him a curious look. 

“I analyse risks for a living, and trust me we’ve got a better chance at this if we’re together,” he says, and looks to the rest of the group.

“We need each other, Bill,” Mike says. “You’re not alone - we’ve all been hurt by It.”

Bill’s face crumples, and for a second Eddie doesn’t know how to react. Bill has always been the leader, the one they’d follow pretty much anywhere. But now, he seems small and fragile, just like the kid who’d lost his kid brother. 

“I - I c-c-c-can’t ask y-y-you to do this,” Bill stutters. He’s crying, just a little. 

“We’re going with you, no arguments,” Bev says firmly. 

“We’re here for you, man,” Ben says confidently. 

“You think I’m gonna let you take all the glory? Newsflash, I’m going to  _ fuck _ that clown so hard he’ll be shitting balloons for eternity,” Richie adds. “Come on, let’s go kill that fucking clown.”

Because it’s the trademark Trashmouth crassness, it’s exactly what they all need to hear. 

Bill laughs, not much, but it’s enough to make him stop looking like he’s about to crumple into nothing. He shakes his head. 

“Let’s finish this,” Bill says, turning to go into the house, the rest of the Losers behind him, ready to make their descent into hell.

//

The inside of the house at Neibolt somehow doesn’t manage to lose its creep factor the third time around. Eddie hates it, so much so he’s tense at every turn, trying to catalogue every sound and  _ thing  _ Pennywise throws at them that he almost misses when the fridge rattles. 

_ Not again _ , he thinks, stomach dropping.

It’s still awful when Stan comes out, and Eddie watches intently, thinking about the last two times he was here, trying to wrack his brains for clues about its next move.

But it doesn’t happen the same as it has before. This time, the dead Stan in the fridge locks his eyes on Eddie first.

“You did this to me,” the dead Stan says. “All of you.”

Eddie feels like throwing up. 

He thinks about the night at the Jade of the Orient, hearing about how Stan had been found in a bathtub. It’s like he can picture it in his mind right now - Stan, forty years old and remembering the horrors of his childhood. Deciding he couldn’t take it, and ending things. 

Had they done this to him? Because of their promises, had they all led Stan there to that bathtub? 

Eddie takes a puff of his inhaler. Things happen in a blur after that, moments frozen in his mind like snapshots of a car crash in motion.

Richie screams as the spider Stan launches at his face. 

Bill rushes forward, desperately trying to pull it off. 

Richie’s screams continue. “Get it off, get it off! GET IT OFF,” he yells. 

Eddie is frozen in panic, his brain too caught up in panic to process much else.  _ You did this to me _ , the spider Stan’s voice echoes in his head. 

He almost misses it when Bill asks for the knife, barely making it this time. 

Bill jams the knife into Stan’s head, and  _ twists _ , before stabbing it about ten more times. Ben then finally rushes through the door, and uses all strength to pull the spider off Richie’s head.

“Thanks, man,” Bill says afterwards. Eddie nods, but still feels guilty. He should’ve known it wasn’t always going to be the same. Things might happen in a similar order, but each time now it’s been just a little different. 

He can’t prepare. 

The thought terrifies him - he’s always led his life as if he could prepare for the worst. Planned ahead for even the most absurd things. He’d carry an epipen and medication he didn’t even really need but, as his mother had said, _ you never know _ . Now, he feels entirely helpless. There’s no magic pill or remedy that will get him out of this one. 

How is he supposed to do anything to fix it if he doesn’t know what he is going to need to fix? More than ever before, he feels lost. At least the first time he had gone through this he’d had faith in the ritual that it would fix everything.

Now - What does he have? A few half baked ideas and the vaguest idea of the future? What good is he now, if he can’t  _ do _ anything?

“Are you okay?” Richie asks him, pulling him out of his spiral. 

Eddie shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he says a little sarcastically, but then more seriously, “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

Richie shrugs. “I’ve had worse,” he says. “Thanks for helping me out.”

Eddie looks away. “No problem.”

Richie claps a hand on his shoulder. “Onward, Spaghetti,” he says, the smallest smile on his face. 

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie says, but he feels just the smallest bit better already.  _ Maybe it will be okay _ , he thinks, thoughts of Richie’s smile lingering in his mind.

//

This time, Eddie doesn’t die on the first strike. He rolls out of the way from the first claw, making sure Richie isn’t in the line of fire either, but as he runs, there’s a second claw that comes through. It slices right through him, hooking deep into his gut. It all happens so quickly he doesn’t have time to really feel the pain on impact. 

Distantly, Eddie hears Richie scream as he is flung across the cave, still atop Pennywise’s claw before he feels himself slipping off and then falling through the air, landing on the ground with an awful thud. He’s pretty sure he’s broken his arm again. Possibly even more bones.

His whole body aches as the shock wears off and the pain sets in, making him feel like he’s burning inside. Eddie is barely able to think beyond the pain, but still has enough cognitive awareness to be rolling out of the way of the fight, ending up just near the narrow entrance to the cavern. Blood pours out of the wound rapidly, and more than ever Eddie is aware of how little time he has. He knows all about big wounds like this, thanks to an obsessive fit of researching during a time he was convinced he could get skewered by an iron girder that swung too wide out of the construction site that was right by his office building. 

He hasn’t got long, Eddie can feel the life slipping away as the blood rises in his throat. Pretty soon he’s going to bleed out. The pain is still sharply present, but it’s almost background noise at this point to the thoughts in his head.

_ I failed _ , he thinks, the pain of this failure somehow hurting more than being gored by an alien clown.

“No, fuck you’re not going yet,” Richie says as soon as he gets over to Eddie. But they both know Eddie is done for, even if Richie doesn’t seem ready to admit it. The rest of the Losers are also crowded around him, all covered in dirt and grime and with equally concerned looks.

“I’ll be fine,” Eddie lies. “You - you need to stop it. Listen to me.”

Richie nods, tears in his eyes. He reaches out for Eddie’s hand and holds it tightly. Eddie squeezes back, but weakly. “Anything,” he says softly. 

“You need to make It small,” Eddie says, trying desperately to maintain focus. “I almost killed him before - the Leper. I could feel it choking in my hands.” 

“All living things must abide by the laws of the shape they inhabit,” Mike says, realisation dawning on his face. “You - that might work.”

“We’ll make him small,” Beverly says fiercely. Beside her, Ben nods and takes her hand, squeezing it softly. Eddie feels a pang in his chest, entirely unrelated to the pain.

“He’ll be as small as your dick by the time we’re done with him,” Richie promises, and Eddie doesn’t even have it in him to argue the joke. Richie is still clinging to Eddie’s hand, and Eddie wonders if any of the losers notice. 

It’s nice, Eddie thinks, to have someone holding his hand now. Knowing he’s got someone there. Richie tries to sit him up, and takes off his jacket to cover the wound. 

“You’ll be okay,” Richie says, more to himself than Eddie. 

“Go,” Eddie says, and reaches out weakly to touch Richie’s hand. “They need you more than me.”

He hates saying it, because deep down more than anything he just wants Richie to stay here, to hold him while he dies so he’s not alone. Comfort him in his failure, and just  _ stay _ . 

Logically, he knows all of this may reset soon, that his current death won’t matter, but in this moment all he wants is to not be alone.

Richie seems to get this memo, despite Eddie trying to push him away. “I’m right here with you,” Richie says softly. Eddie closes his eyes. His whole body feels heavy, and he longs for sleep. Just a few minutes, he tells himself. Then he’ll make Richie go.

Eddie dies, on the ground in the monster’s lair, but this time he’s not alone when it happens.

//

“So much for third time lucky,” his child self says when Eddie comes to. 

“Uh,” he says, head still fuzzy. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, come on,” the kid says and holds out a skinny arm.

Eddie takes the hand, and the kid manages to pull him up with a surprising amount of strength for someone who looks so small. Eddie was pretty sure he’d never been able to lift much of anything at that age.

“There you go,” the kid says, and then walks over to the dark water and pulls a small turtle out of it. The turtle flaps its flippers a bit, and looks up at the kid before looking directly at Eddie.

“Is that,” Eddie begins, looking at the turtle. It looks so small for something that supposedly created this whole loop. 

The kid shrugs. “He was lonely in the water,” he says, and then his watch beeps. The kid digs around in his fanny pack and dry-swallows some pills. Eddie has an uncomfortable flashback to his childhood. He never swallows anything dry now - Myra always said it was bad for his throat. “You’re going to need to go back soon.”

“Do I have to keep dying for it to reset? Can’t you pull me out right before?”

The kid shakes his head. “You only get to reset if you die. You can’t cheat this one.”

“It hurts,” Eddie complains.

“So do a lot of things,” child-Eddie says, and gives him a look. 

“Are you going to push me into the water again?”

“Only if you don’t go yourself,” he replies. “You should go now.”

Eddie stares at the water, thinking of what’s going to happen next. He hopes this time he’s not going to die, but his sensible Risk Analyst brain is telling him it would be about as good as investing in the stock market when the great depression started. 

He thinks this time, he might say something about the Loops. Tell them and see how it goes - after all, what does he have to lose now? 

“I’ll do it,” he says. He stands by the water, looking down at it and trying to psych himself up. 

_ I can do this _ , he thinks, and kneels down to touch the water, but snatches his hand back at the last second when the water gurgles at him.

“Don’t be a pussy,” he says. “It’s just water.”

“Yeah, and there could be a million kinds of bacteria in it,” Eddie says. 

“You’re already dead,” the kid says. “What’s the worst that could happen?

Eddie sighs. He knows he doesn’t have much of a choice, not if he wants to change something. The water is all he’s got. 

_ You’re braver than you think _ , he hears Richie say in his head. 

_ I’m brave _ , he thinks to himself, and steps right into the depths.

//

Coming back  _ hurts _ this time - it felt like a head rush before, but now having died three times, there’s a lot of overlap with his memories as they rush back in. Details mix and he has trouble trying to focus on individual events.

Eddie’s head spins and he leans dizzily against a brick wall, trying to sort through all the memories of this day, layered on top of each other. He feels nauseous for a moment, like he’s about to throw up himself, but that passes and suddenly everything is clear again.

_ I have to tell them _ , he thinks. It’s the only thing he can think of that he hasn’t tried yet - the one thing he thinks might help sort it all out. If it all goes to shit, well, at least he tried everything.

Coming back to the Townhouse, Bev once again gives him a startled look when he bursts in, but he doesn’t pay her much mind. He needs to take care of Bowers first.

“I’m - fine. All fine,” he says, not quite paying attention to her, but rather making a beeline for the bar. He grabs a mostly empty bottle of whiskey, takes a swig then winces as it goes down. He’s always hated the taste, but he feels like he’ll need this for what’s to come.

He takes the bottle with him as he goes upstairs, his body tensing further with every step closer. By the time he gets to the bathroom, he whirls around to where Bowers will be - and he’s there, just like the times before. 

Henry smiles maniacally when he sees him. 

“Hey, Eddie, it’s your time,” he says excitedly.

“No, it’s  _ yours _ ,” Eddie says and slams the bottle against Henry’s head with all his strength. The glass shatters everywhere, and Eddie jumps away from the carnage. No way is he getting glass in his eye now. 

Bowers goes down pretty much instantly, head cracking on the floor and landing on broken glass. Blood wells instantly, and Bower’s face goes slack.

Eddie stares down at him, unsure of what the hell to do next. Has he killed him again? He can’t find it in himself to care.

Suddenly, he hears a shrill scream, and looks up to see Richie standing there, pale as a sheet with a horrified Beverly and Ben right behind him.

“What the  _ fuck _ ,” Richie says, and promptly throws up on the tiles. Ben and Ben barely have time to jump out of the splash zone. 

Eddie, thankful for something else to focus on besides Henry’s body, pushes Richie out of the bathroom and sits him down on the bed. Eddie sits down beside him, and awkwardly pats Richie’s shoulder. 

“Calm down,” Eddie says. It’s a weird role reversal - Eddie has always been the one to freak out, lose his shit at the slightest inclination and have Richie talk him down. He wonders how the hell Richie ever managed to do it every time he started freaking out about something mundane like the germs on the cafeteria tables. 

“He’s fucking dead,” Richie says, a hysterical edge to his voice. “Henry fucking Bowers is dead.”

“He was going to kill me. And everyone else too,” Eddie says plainly. He’s not quite sure if Henry is actually dead yet, but he feels like it might be a near thing.

“How did he even get in here?” Ben asks. He looks a little uneasy, and Eddie doesn’t blame him. Henry had really terrorised Ben, all of them really, but Ben was the one who’d had his stomach cut up by the guy.

“I thought he was dead,” Beverly says. “I didn’t know someone could survive that fall.”

“I think he might’ve broken out of a psychiatric hospital,” Eddie says. “He was wearing some kind of uniform.”

“We should probably deal with the body,” Ben says. 

“I don’t know if I killed him,” Eddie says.

Beverly sighs, and goes back into the bathroom to check. “He’s not breathing,” she says. “Should I call 911?”

“Might be for the best. I’ve got some lawyers if we need them,” Ben says. “Don’t worry about it, Eddie.”

Eddie nods. He hadn’t really been thinking about the consequences, not really. After dying multiple times, he’s feeling a little detached from things like the law. Besides, Derry has a strange enough aura that he’s sure even if someone did try to investigate it, it wouldn’t go anywhere. Derry didn’t give much of a shit when kids were dying, why would they care when a guy like Henry Bowers died? 

It feels cruel to think, but Eddie can’t help it. He’s not sure what kind of good there was left in Henry, if there was much to begin with. Everyone was always scared of Bowers, even the teachers and parents. Nobody touched him, just left the kid alone lest they end up with a dead cat or smashed up fence. 

“I’ll call the police,” Beverly says. 

“I’ll call some lawyers,” Ben says, following right behind her, his hands hovering by her waist. Eddie wonders if he thinks they don’t notice how obvious they’re being.

Richie, uncharacteristically, says nothing. 

Eddie sits down beside him. “Are you okay?” he asks. Richie hasn’t been here before, and Eddie wonders if he might have just caught him before he left this time. He had gotten back quicker from the pharmacy this time.

“I’m fine,” Richie says. “What about you? You look like you dove head first into a sewer. Shouldn’t you be the one having a panic attack right now?”

Eddie shrugs. He’s been trying very hard not to think about what he’s covered in. “I got thrown up on by a leper.”

Richie raises his eyebrows. “No shit?”

“I found it back in the basement of the pharmacy,” Eddie says. “I was trying to choke it out.”

“And here I thought getting chased by the Paul Bunyan statue was a shit morning,” Richie says. “You get your token?”

Eddie thinks about the inhaler in his pocket. “Yeah.”

“Me too,” Richie says.

“I thought you were leaving,” Eddie says, trying to change the subject. 

Richie looks at him. “I - I wasn’t,” he lies, and then sighs. “Okay, maybe I was gonna get out of here. What’s it to you?”

“Don’t,” Eddie says. “Don’t go.”

“I’m not dying here,” Richie says, shaking his head. “I don’t want to stay another fucking minute in this place. I have dates in  _ Reno _ .”

“Stay,’ Eddie says, and places a hand on Richie’s arm. 

Richie freezes under Eddie’s touch. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights and Eddie hopes that Richie won’t decide to make a run for it. He wants him to say -  _ needs  _ it. If Richie’s not there, if all the Losers aren’t there, then he knows it won’t work. Stan is already out of the picture and like hell will Eddie let someone else go too. His heart aches for a moment, thinking of Stan. 

_ Oh Stanley _ , he thinks, wishing more than anything he was still there. But Richie isn’t gone yet, and like hell will Eddie let him run away again.

“You’re braver than you think,” Eddie says, echoing back something Richie said to him once, the first time it all happened. Those words gave him the power to fight back, a whole lifetime ago. Maybe it’ll give Richie the same gift now.

Richie looks up at him. “Bullshit. I just told you I’m about to skip town and leave you all to die without me.”

“You’d come back,” Eddie says with conviction. All those times before, Richie came back, even when there was no one to come after him. Losers stick together.

There’s a silence between them and Richie’s eyes wander back to Henry, and he jumps. “Fuck, I keep expecting him to get up, scream at me and call me slurs again.” Richie laughs, but there’s no humour behind it. 

“I’ve been through this before,” Eddie says, just anything to distract from the noise. It’s not how he intends to say it, but he couldn’t think of anything else to hide the silence.

“You mean you also had a teenager with shitty haircuts yell slurs at you? Join the fucking club.”

“No, I mean, I’ve done this before,” Eddie explains. “All of this.”

“Okay, now you’re really not making any sense,” Richie says. “Did you like, get some kind of infection? Hit your head? Fever?” He waves a hand in front of Eddie’s face, and then presses the back of it against his forehead like he’s testing if Eddie has a fever.

“No, fuck off. I’m  _ trying _ to tell you something important here,” Eddie says, and pushes Richie’s hand away. “I died the first time this has happened, and the second time. It resets every time.”

“What, like  _ Groundhog Day _ ?” Richie asks. “Are you telling me you’re having a Bill Murray moment right now?”

“I’m serious,” Eddie says, stressing the words. 

“Hi serious, I’m Richie,” Richie replies with a shit-eating grin.

“No, you asshole,” Eddie says, rolling his eyes. “It’s all happened to me before. All of this - old fucking news. Right down to Bowers trying to kill me in this shitty bathroom”

“If you’re really from the future, then what’s the lottery numbers for next week?” Richie says.

“If I wasn’t dead, then I’d tell you,” Eddie replies. “Maybe not even then.”

Richie stops. “Dead?”

“Yeah, don’t you fucking listen? I died like twice already. Can’t say I recommend doing it,” Eddie snaps.

“Like, actually for real dead?”

“Yes, what other kind of dead is there?” Eddie says, feeling a little frustrated. How the hell is he going to make Richie believe him?

“You’re serious,” Richie says, looking even paler than he had when he’d seen Henry’s body.

“Of course I am,” Eddie huffs.

“Well shit,” Richie says. “At least tell me  _ I  _ don’t die. I have Reno dates to attend to. Can’t let down my adoring fans.”

“You don’t die only because I save your dumb ass,” Eddie says.

“My hero,” Richie says and makes a show of swooning. Eddie rolls his eyes. 

“Come on, we should probably get out of this bathroom before the cops get here,” Eddie says and stands up, offering a hand to Richie to help him up. Richie kind of stares at it for a moment, and Eddie is about to drop it when Richie grabs it.

Once Richie is up, Eddie almost reluctantly lets go, and wishes he had more of an excuse to keep holding on like he could soak up some of Richie’s confidence in the face of all of this madness. 

//

The cops show up not too much later, all of them with surprisingly little questions. They nod, glassy eyed as Eddie recaps the story of how crazy Henry Bowers came into the Townhouse and attacked him. 

Bowers is surprisingly not dead this time, just very, very close, but the cops don’t seem too concerned with any assault charges. An ambulance wheels him away, the paramedics promising he’ll be taken care of and locked up.

“He was a danger,” one of them - a tall, lanky man, says gravely.

“We’re just glad to hear you folks are okay,” the other shorter continues.

They look serious enough, wandering around and taking notes. Eddie feels like this should all be taped up, marked as a crime scene. But the cops don’t care. They’re just looking around, eyes kind of glassy. It makes Eddie wonder if there’s some kind of magic going on here. 

“We’ll get all this cleaned up for you,” the lanky cop - Officer King, Eddie notices - says. 

“It’s good you didn’t get hurt - a lot of the patients at Juniper Hill are dangerous,” the shorter one - Stephens - adds. 

“Uh,” Eddie says in reply. He’s been bracing himself for chaos - to defend himself in court and make a case. Could it really be that easy? But, should he be surprised in a town like Derry, where the adults had stood by while their children were being eaten by a monster?

Eddie decides not to push his luck. He wonders if it might come back to bite him later, when It is dead and whatever curse on Derry it left has lifted. 

“I really thought I’d need to call a lawyer,” Ben says after the cops have driven off. 

“Gotta love the incompetence of cops. In _ cop _ etence. Ha,” Richie jokes.

Eddie feels like it might be now or never. He takes a deep breath. 

“We need to talk, all of us,” Eddie says. “There’s something I need to tell you all.”

“What’s going on?” Bev says, her face creasing with worry. “Did Bowers hurt you?” 

Eddie shakes his head. “Nothing like that. I think it’s probably best we get everyone here for this.”

There’s a few calls made, and Bill comes in, mostly because Eddie promises he knows exactly how to kill it - which he feels bad about stretching the truth, but without everyone, it all falls apart.

“What’s going on?” Mike says as he arrives. “I heard the cops were around here earlier.”

“Bowers,” Eddie replies. “He tried to take my fucking face off.”

“Is he,” Mike says, the question not quite formed.

“Not dead,” Eddie says. “I did give him a whole new one to think about.”

“Never thought it would end like that,” he says. “How did he even get here?”

“It,” Eddie replies. “I think he was lured here, just to fuck with us.”

“Why couldn’t he have died in the sewers when we were kid?,” Richie complains. “Wasn’t once enough?”

“Too right,” Ben mutters.

“We need to start moving- now. It will only get stronger the more we wait - we need to perform the ritual tonight,” Mike says. Everyone else nods in agreement, but Eddie has a different idea. “How do we kill it?”

“Not with the ritual, that’s how,” Eddie says. “It won’t work.”

Mike looks immediately offended. “It’s going to work - I’ve read everything. This is the only way to stop it. It’s how it’s been stopped before.”

Eddie shakes his head. “Maybe back then but it  _ will _ go to shit.”

“How do you know any of this?” Mike asks. 

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Eddie begins. “The reason I know all of this is because I’ve died  _ twice _ now watching it all fail. I’ve been stuck in a loop.”

All eyes are on him, the Loser’s faces a mix of curious and concerned. Except Richie, who’s just smiling along. 

“Like full on Groundhog Day shit,” Richie adds, smirking.

“Be serious, asshole,” Eddie replies, rolling his eyes. 

“I am,” Richie argues. “Groundhog Day is very serious.”

Eddie wishes he could strangle Richie sometimes, but, and he’d never be caught dead admitting it, sometimes he’s thankful for Richie’s dumbass jokes. Always there to smooth things over and distract from the tensions. 

“How do we know you’re really in a loop?” Mike asks. “Are you sure that’s real?”

“Because I know you lied about the ritual,” Eddie says. “You scribbled out the last pane on the artifact.”

Mike pales, and Eddie feels a little bad, calling his friend out like this, but he has to let them know he’s serious. That he’s not crazy, or some kind of fucking Pennywise trick. 

“I - how did you know,” Mike says, suddenly suspicious. He looks at Eddie, sizing him up as if he’s worrying Eddie might be a Pennywise trick.

“You l-lied?” Bill says, looking hurt.

“I did what I had to do,” Mike pleads. “I needed you to believe we had a chance, at least. Which, we do! It only works if we have faith.”

“Eddie, how did you know this?” Bev asks.

“Because I was there the first few times it didn’t work - every time, we summon it and it fails. I died,” Eddie explains. “So, I’m speaking from experience here.”

Mike looks down. “I - I got you killed?” He says, looking genuinely upset.

Eddie shakes his head, feeling a little guilty. It’s not Mike’s fault this is happening “I died because It fucking spears me, not because of your ritual,” he says, leaving out the part about saving Richie from the deadlights. He doesn’t want them assigning blame to his death. It was nobody’s fault but his own - he was the one who wasn’t looking to see Pennywise properly die. He got too cocky, excited at  _ finally _ doing something he just looked at Richie and then suddenly  _ bam _ he’s skewered like a piece of meat. 

“Speared  _ you _ ?” Ben says. 

“It grows some really fucking sharp claws - have fun with that later,” Eddie says, and feels a little bad about giving everyone that mental image. That’s definitely something he hopes he can forget after all of this is over.

“How do we kill it if the r-r-r-ritual d-doesn’t work?” Bill asks.

“We need to make it small,” Eddie says. “Get it down to size so we can kill it. I hurt it, when I was fighting it as the leper - It  _ choked _ .”

The rest of the Losers look at him like he’s grown a second head. “Living things and the laws of shapes inhabited, and all that,” Eddie adds and looks over at Mike.

“All living things must abide by the laws of the shape they inhabit,” Mike repeats. The rest of the Losers look between the two of them, curious. “It’s a saying the Shokopiwah have.”

“Uh, someone wanna fill me on what the fuck any of that means?” Richie asks. 

“If we make it small, we can kill it,” Bev says. 

“Is it that easy?” Ben asks. “There has to be a catch.”

“It won’t make it easy for us,” Mike says. “But if we can do it, trick it down to size, we can kill It.”

“The cavern It’s in has a tiny gap to the front - we just need to get it to try and come through it,” Eddie says. “Then we can wipe that motherfucker out.”

“And then we kill it once and for all,” Bev says.

“F-finally end it,” Bill says. “No one else has to die.”

“No one else,” Eddie echoes. Richie looks at him curiously. Eddie nods back. “I won’t let it happen.”

“We’re all coming out alive,” Mike says. Eddie appreciates his determination. 

“Losers stick together,” Ben says. All of them nod, and Eddie feels a little giddy - maybe, just maybe, it might work. 

//

The house on Neibolt is the same as it always is - somehow, Eddie expected it to look different this time. So much else has changed with every look he keeps thinking this might too. But it’s still standing there, 

“Fuck I hate this place,” Richie says as they approach. “Has it always looked this fucking creepy?”

“I’ve h-h-had dreams about this place,” Bill says. “B-before I remembered what it was.”

“It shouldn’t be standing,” Ben says. “The wood looks completely rotten.”

“I want to tear it all down,” Bev says. “Make It  _ hurt _ .”

“When this is all over, I might buy this place. Build something better,” Ben says thoughtfully. “It isn’t right that Pennywise thinks it can make itself home here.”

“You’ll make it all better,” Bev says and Ben gives her a look that makes Eddie think he might just kiss her right in front of all of them. Bev looks right back at him, and Eddie feels an ache in his chest. 

He’s never had anything like that - not with Myra. Being with her was fine and  _ safe _ , but he’d never felt that kind of  _ need _ . Sure, they’d had sex and been close (he wasn’t a fucking virgin thank you very much,  _ Richie _ ) but there had never been a need for it, and as time passed, they’d stopped sleeping in the same bed, migrated to his own space with excuses like how his snoring would keep her up and how he didn’t want to disturb her if he needed to take his medication in the middle of the night. 

Eddie glances at Richie, and kind of wishes he had an excuse to reach out and hold his hand. He’d feel a little braver, if he could. The impulse hits him like his need for an inhaler during an attack, powerful, quick, and a little desperate. He tries not to think about what it all means - he has a clown to kill and now is  _ not  _ the time for a whole different kind of crisis.

Richie meets his gaze, and Eddie drops his eyes. He’s thankful Richie can’t read minds, because he’s not sure what he’d do if he could.

“Well, let’s go kill this fucking clown then,” Richie says.

//

Going into Neibolt, Eddie feels electric, ready for whatever Pennywise might throw at him this time. He doesn’t flinch at the awful noises the house makes, or as blood pours from the steps.

“Love what you’ve done with the place,” Richie says to no one in particular, looking uncomfortably at the bleeding steps.

“Stick together, we can’t let It try to pull us apart,” Mike says.

Everyone moves a little closer together but the moment Bill, Richie and Eddie step into the kitchen the door slams shut behind them. 

Behind the door, Eddie hears Ben scream out in pain. 

The freezer starts to rattle. Eddie’s stomach sinks. 

“What the fuck is in there?” Richie asks.

“Nothing good,” Eddie says, as the door swings open to reveal a young Stan’s corpse. 

It all happens quickly from there - Eddie feels a little deja vu as it all unfolds - Stan’s head falling off and sprouting legs and latching on to Richie. 

This time, Eddie doesn’t hesitate; he immediately goes for the knife, and stabs the spider Stan right in the back of the head. The creature screams something awful and Eddie stabs it a few more times to be sure. Bill has to pull him off and throws the spider head off Richie. 

“Fucking fuck,” Richie says, he’s shaking a little bit. “I thought I was gonna die that time.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” Eddie says fiercely and grabs Richies hand, squeezing tight. It’s a promise more than anything, but the contact makes his palm tingle. 

“Thanks for the help,” Richie says. 

“You’re welcome,” Eddie says, suddenly feeling a little shy.

The door to the kitchen finally opens. Eddie drops his hand from Richie’s. 

“What happened to you?” Ben asks. 

“Not much, just got attacked by my dead best friend’s spider head. You?” Richie replies flippantly, although Eddie can still hear the stress in his voice. 

“Pennywise tried to cut me up. Bev stabbed him through a mirror," Ben explains. 

“Sounds badass,” Richie says and holds his fist out to Bev who fistbumps it with the free hand that’s not holding on to Ben. 

“So where do we go from here?” Bill asks.

“Down,” Mike replies and points to the room just beyond the kitchen where a well sits.

“Why can’t the creepy clown live somewhere easy to access?” Richie gripes. 

They all descend, and Eddie starts to do something that's proving to be incredibly dangerous - he hopes. 

//

As it’s happened before, things start to fall apart when Richie gets caught in the deadlights.

It would be comical, if not for the fact that Eddie is dying again. They’d been trying to make Pennywise smaller, trying to push him to the entrance of the cave and get him out, but then Richie had gotten cocky and before anyone knew what was happening, Richie was suspended in the air, eyes showing only whites and his body limbs swaying as 

Pennywise laughs, just like before. It feels like an awful taunt, and Eddie sees red. 

He isn’t even thinking when he throws the iron railing, and feels an incredible rush as it hits the mark.  _ This will kill a monster _ , he thinks. Believes it with all his heart. 

But that’s where his hope ends. He hears Richie’s body drop, and before he can get over there, something knocks him down. He’s stunned and before he can do much else, Eddie feels a sharp, quick pain over his throat. He freezes and his brain starts to panic. He knows exactly what is happening now.

He falls to his knees, the blood loss making him dizzy. Eddie wants to scream and cry - rage about how unfair it all is, but all he can do is bleed out on the ground. 

Richie holds him as he dies, and Eddie can feel the dampness of tears on his face. He’s not sure if it's his own tears or Richie’s too. Probably both.

Eddie wants to hold Richie tight, to tell him that everything will be fine but he’s not only fading in strength, he doesn’t want to lie. This is death, coming for him again, maybe even for the last time.

He wonders if he’ll be allowed to start again after this attempt. Maybe he’s fucked up enough that the turtle, whatever the fuck it is, will finally give up on him. Figures it would, after all this is his third chance at doing this and once again, he’s dying. Surely that would give any reasonable person a second thought.

The world fades out, and the last thing he sees as he dies is Richie reaching out and the faintest pressure of a hand on his cheek. Words spoken, but his brain is too scrambled to hear them, so he doesn’t quite know if he hears it right. 

Eddie’s last thought is about how much he really wants to know if it really was what he thought it was -- 

_ I love you _ .

//

“I was so close,” Eddie says as he wakes up, tears in his eyes. He feels hollowed out, like there’s nothing else left inside him. He lies down in the grass, fingers curling into the blades.

The kid is sitting beside him, picking at some grass. “You can do it - we didn’t beat Street Fighter on the first try,” he replies. 

“I did everything right this time - I told them the truth, and for what? Do I need to go through this again?”

“You need to end it,” his child self says. “You’re the only one who can.”

“What if I want it to end here? Just cross over to the other side,” he says. “Maybe I just want to die already.”

“You - you can’t do that,” the kid says a little desperately in a way that makes Eddie think he could. If it wasn’t an option, maybe the kid wouldn’t be so freaked out.

“I don’t want to keep dying like this,” Eddie feels the weight of his deaths all at once - he’s  _ died _ three times now. How can he keep going if this is all it ends up being?

“The turtle thinks you can do it,” the kid says. 

“Have you not seen me die?”

“You’re the only chance we’ve got!” the kid insists. “You died before It did, and just enough to be brought back and fix things.”

“What can I fix? I keep dying, and this sure as hell won’t bring anyone else back!”

“You can stop it,” the kid says. “I know you can.”

“How can I?” Eddie argues. “You keep saying it but what can I do? I’m a fucking Risk Analyst not a superhero. I tell people where to put there money, not kill a fucking clown!”

“You - come on. Don’t be a fucking coward,” the kid replies, a little angry. 

Eddie looks up at him. “You’d give up, if you were in my position.”

The kid fixes him with a look. “No, I’d try again. I’m not gonna leave my friends behind.”

Eddie remembers back when he was a kid, when he was first facing Pennywise. How shit scared he’d been to face that clown himself, but with his friends, he got through it. Together, they’d stopped him. 

Or so they thought they had. Instead, it had just slept, all this time waiting to come back and repeat the same old cycle. 

_ Just like us _ , Eddie thinks, his thoughts drifting to his wife, and his mom.

He hates himself for not seeing it before, for forgetting all the things he’d learned that summer. He’d stood up to his mom, saved his friends and maybe the whole town. And then he’d forgotten it all the moment he left Derry, like none of it had ever happened. 

He even married Myra, a woman who on their first date took him to get a refill on his prescriptions! He thought it was romantic art the time, how she always thought about his allergies and ailments. But now he sees the truth of it - he married a woman who’s probably more like his mom than he wants to admit. Just another person who thinks taking care means taking control. And he’d let them, all because he was too scared to realise he could do things by himself.

_ I don’t love her _ , he thinks, and the realisation makes him squirm. He’d always say I love you to her, because it sounded right, like something he should say. And after all, didn’t he? She’d taken good care of him. 

But now, being in Derry, he realises that maybe he didn’t know what love was at all. At least, not with Myra. Being with her was safe, easy and uncomplicated. She told him exactly what she wanted from him, and he’d give it to her, no questions asked. 

There was nothing passionate about their relationship - no spark, no  _ desire _ . It makes him think about coming home after work, being so exhausted he let her fuss over him until they went to bed, and lay there, just side by side not touching. He’d thought it was nice - the two of them just loved each other enough to not have to touch all the time. But as the years went by, he’d felt a little lonely.

He remembers watching Ben and Bev, the two of them looking at each other like they’d held the world in his hands. He doesn’t think he’s ever looked at Myra like that; ever felt like she was anything more than a wife - no, just another person who wanted to take care of him. Control him.

He thinks about dying that last time, of the words he’s almost  _ sure _ he heard Richie say.

How could he have thought he’d know what love was without the Losers? He didn’t even have  _ friends _ as an adult. Just coworkers he barely spoke to and a wife that was honestly more of a caretaker ( _ mother _ , a voice in his head unhelpfully supplies) than a partner.

He feels disgusted with himself, for letting it all get so fucked up. He could’ve been free, if he’d only  _ remembered _ . Maybe he’d even be with -

He stops the thought before he can really think it, but that  _ I love you _ echoes inside his head. He can’t stop thinking about it. Did Richie mean it? Did he even really say it? Eddie’s not sure, but he can’t stop thinking about the possibility now it’s been bought up. 

It’s something he’s tried not to think about his whole life, buried it so deep he didn’t even realise he’d forgotten it. But now he’s been back in Derry, all of the shit he never dealt with has come rushing to the surface. 

_ Maybe it’s time I face it _ , he thinks. He wants more from life - not to feel scared about even eating breakfast or leaving the house. He wants someone he  _ loves _ in his life, not a replacement maternal figure. 

“You can’t get that if you die,” the kid says, as if he’s reading Eddie’s thoughts. “Dying means you leave everything behind.”

“Fuck,” Eddie says, knowing his decision is made. As much as he wants to just give up, he knows he can’t abandon his friends - Losers stick  _ together _ , something he can’t do if he dies right now.

“How about this - you go back, but just before you died last time,” the kid says. “Make it right.”

“Will I die again?”

“Not if you get out of the way,” the kid says seriously.

This time, there’s no fighting against the water as it pulls him under. Eddie lets it take hold and carry him back to Derry.

Back to his friends. 

//

Eddie comes back to himself with a start - the battle is still going on and Richie is caught in the deadlights, hanging limply in the air like a ragdoll.

The sight of him, real and right  _ there _ , makes Eddie’s heart for a second. He’s still a little overwhelmed from the revelations he’s just had, but there’s a more urgent task at hand. 

He needs to get Richie out of the deadlights, and not die in the process. He grips the iron rail in his hand tightly, and throws it as hard as he can, believing with every fiber of his being that it  _ will _ hurt Pennywise. 

It lands the mark, and there’s something very satisfying watching the clown choke on something as normal as a piece of fencing.

Just like last time, Richie drops to the ground but Eddie is also ready and ducks just as Pennywise’s claw whooshes past him. He runs towards Richie, eyes darting towards It was he moves. He barely gets there in time, pushing Richie out of the way and barely missing the claw that sweeps past.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Eddie swears. That was too close. 

“Shit, I thought it was going to kill you,” Richie says, his hands curling into Eddie’s hoodie holding on for dear life. 

“Not this time,” Eddie says, breathless. His whole body is vibrating with adrenaline and his mind spins. He can’t believe he did it. 

Richie looks like he’s about to cry and just hugs Eddie. For a moment, they’re just holding each other and Eddie almost forgets the rest of the world exists. But they have a job to do, and It won’t go down without a fight.

“Come on, let’s finish this,” Eddie says and takes Richie’s hand. He feels invincible in that moment, brave enough to yell out to Pennywise. 

“Hey, fuck you clown!” he calls, voice echoing in the cavern. Pennywise freezes for a moment and turns to Eddie. Its smile is all teeth, sharp and pointy. 

“Aw, Eddie, is that any way to treat your friend?” he calls. 

“You’re not my friend - you’re just a stupid clown!” Eddie yells, all the rage of every death he’s died making him feel brave. He knows the others must think he’s crazy.

Pennywise fakes a sob. “But Eddie bear, I’m the only one who’s really able to take care of you,” it says, in a voice that sounds not unlike his mother’s. Or Myra’s. 

“You don’t know how to take care of me! I don’t need you!” he yells back. He’s starting to wonder if this whole yelling method is really going to work when he notices Pennywise flinch. 

“Useless sloppy bitch!” Richie calls out, seemingly catching Eddie’s drift. “Can’t even hit right.”

There’s a falter in Pennywise’s grin before it puffs itself up and widens its smile. “I’m the eater of worlds! You fear me!”

“You’re nothing to me!” Eddie says, and notices Pennywise shrinking.

_ More than one way to make something small _ , Eddie thinks. He hopes like hell the rest of the Losers will catch up and figure out what he’s doing. 

“You’re not scary!” Mike yells, and Eddie relaxes a little. “Not to us.”

“You’re nothing but a bully!” Bev yells.

Pennywise freezes. “You fear me! I’ve seen inside your hearts, and you think I’m  _ scary _ .”

“Not anymore,” Bill calls back. “You’re just a clown. An impostor!”

“A mimic,” Ben adds. 

“Fake!”

Pennywise starts to shrink even more. Fuelled by hope, the Losers get braver, moving together one by one and holding hands. Once they’re all linked, Eddie feels a peculiar thrum of energy, like just being together makes him feel more alive. He doesn’t want to call it magic, but maybe there’s something of that to it.

One by one, they hurl out insults, as Pennywise roars and tries to act scary. The more it happens, the more like a child It seems; like it’s just a baby throwing a tantrum. 

Eddie starts to believe it can’t hurt them - not really. 

It’s just a clown - an illusion feeding off their fear. The only power is what they give it, and for so long they’d let it grow and fester. A wound that would never heal, only ache. 

Pennywise gets smaller and smaller, and before Eddie knows it, It is just a tiny, crumpled thing lying on the floor of the cavern. 

“You’re just a clown with a scared beating heart,” Mike says, and suddenly Eddie hears it - the beating of a heart. Mike reaches down into its chest, and Pennywise weakly claws at his hand. 

Together, they all place a hand on the still-beating heart and crush it. The whole thing feels like crunching a leaf under foot during fall, and Eddie feels something in his chest unwind as It’s heart crumples. 

Pennywise makes a weak, awful dying sound before it goes still - deadlights extinguished and no more clown. There’s a long moment of silence after that, and all Eddie thinks is  _ Holy shit it’s over _ . 

Suddenly, the cave around them starts to crack. Pieces of rock break off the ceiling. A large chunk lands nearby and panic sets in. 

“Shit, we need to go,” Mike says. 

He doesn’t need to say it twice. 

Eddie doesn’t even think twice about grabbing Richie’s hand and pulling him along, the two of them running full-pelt out of the cave. It’s a narrow fit trying to crawl through the gap but they all make it out. Eddie’s heart feels like it’s going to explode in his chest. 

Together, they stand there and watch the Neibilt house fall, crumpling into the earth. The house falls, and the Losers stand together. Once again, Eddie feels a strange sort of hum of energy between them and he smiles, wide and bright. The rest of the losers all start laughing, a sort of hysterical, messy sound that bounces around. 

_ We did that _ , Eddie thinks, and watches the last of the Neibolt house crumble. 

//

“Nope - no way,” Eddie says as soon as Mike suggests it. 

“Come on, it’ll be like old times, Eds,” Richie says. “Don’t be a pussy.”

“We  _ will _ judge you,” Bev says, grinning but giving him a look. “Not openly, but we will.”

“We need to wash off all this dirt and blood,” Ben adds.

“Come on, Eddie,” Bill says. “All of us are going.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “I’m not getting in the water. It’s an infection waiting to happen,” he says firmly.

“We swam in there all the time as kids,” Richie points out. “And we’re all okay. You can go last, if you want.”

“Fine, I’ll go but I’m not jumping in,” Eddie concedes. 

The rest of the Losers cheer.

Bev is the first to jump in, just like when they were kids. Ben follows right behind her and Eddie watches them both splash into the water and stay under there for a suspiciously long time. Eddie would be worried, but then they emerge, heads close together and he smiles. 

_ Good for them _ , he thinks, a warm feeling settling in his chest.

Bill and Mike go next, leaving Eddie and Richie standing on the edge. 

“Come on, you’re not gonna die. It’s just the quarry,” Richie says. He’s still covered in dirt and looks like an absolute mess, but his smile is blinding. It’s almost enough to make Eddie forget about the potential risks. 

“No,” Eddie says, but he knows he’s absolutely going to.

“I’ll push you in myself, Spaghetti,” Richie threatens. Eddie laughs. 

“You wouldn’t dare,” Eddie says, narrowing his eyes, 

“Try me,” Richie replies. “Besides, do you want to stay covered in whatever crap we picked up in that cave? At least you know what kind of germs are in the quarry.”

“I could just have a shower in my room,” Eddie argues, just to be annoying.

“Your room is probably a fucking crime scene right now.” Richie replies.

“Fine,” he says, and without preamble, jumps into the water, leaving Richie behind him. He hits the water and the Losers cheer, and nearby he feels another splash - Richie. They all converge on each other, hugging and laughing. 

_ It’s over _ , Eddie thinks, smiling with relief.  _ It’s finally over. _

They stay there together for a moment, tangled together in the water and Eddie for once isn’t thinking about all the bacteria in the water. He’s just happy. 

The thought surprises him - he’s  _ happy _ . Genuinely so - it’s a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time. In all his years - Eddie knows he’s been okay, but never  _ happy _ . He’s settled in life, but there’s always been something missing. And until now, he hadn’t known what it was, just a vague feeling of unease, that something, somewhere out there he’d lost. 

He’s not sure how he survived it - all those years alone and unhappy. Now though, he’s determined to never let these people go.  _ You can’t take them from me again,  _ he thinks, fiercely glad Pennywise is dead.

“I’m glad you didn’t die this time, Eddie” Bev says, breaking the silence. 

“No, can’t get rid of me that easily,” he jokes. 

It kind of devolves from there, all of them splashing and laughing at each other. Eddie feels like he’s thirteen again and invincible - freer than he’s been in his entire life. 

Ben and Bev eventually drift off together, probably to go make out some more like they’re being at all subtle, and Mike and Bill have an intense splashing match going on. Eddie, uninterested in being a third wheel to either of them, is floating by Richie.

Richie hasn’t said much, which is unusual for him. Normally, he can’t get him to shut the hell up.

“What’s up with you?” Eddie asks. 

“I saw it in the deadlights, you, I mean,” Richie says, and Eddie understands the implication.

Eddie isn’t sure what to say to that. “I’m sorry.”

“I - I saw you  _ die _ ,” Richie says, shaking his head. “Over and over again.”

“I’m not dead,” Eddie says.  _ I fucking lived, you bitch _ , he thinks, a grin splitting his face.

Richie smiles dryly “I know that,” he says, and then a little more seriously, “I still saw it though.”

“You shouldn’t have,” Eddie says. The memories of dying will probably continue to haunt him for the rest of his life, which he distantly realises he might need therapy for.

“I - I was worried about you,” Richie says. "I thought you were going to die and I'd lose you all over again."

Eddie's heart is beating way too fast in his chest. He thinks about the last time he died, the fuzzy memory of an  _ I love you  _ he almost doesn't dare believe is real.

But he heard it.

“You’re not losing me,” Eddie says seriously, and places a hand on Richie’s cheek. “I’m right here.”

Richie stills under Eddie’s touch. He looks a little startled, like he didn’t expect Eddie to reach out. 

“Uh,” he says, his eyes fixating on Eddie’s wrist, deliberately not meeting his eyes. 

“I’m here,” Eddie says softly, moving closer so it’s just for the two of them to hear. It’s not quite a confession, but he hopes Richie takes a hint. He steps even closer, so he’s right in Richie’s space. He feels a little like he’s standing on the edge of a cliff again, just about to jump off.

“You sure are,” Richie says, his eyes flicking over to Eddie’s lips. He takes a sharp breath. 

Eddie leans in, and jumps right over the edge.

The kiss is different to any other Eddie’s ever had. It’s not dry and cloying, but warm and electrifying. He’s forty, but the kiss makes him feel like a teenager, young and exciting. 

“So, you, uh,” Richie says, a little choked. “Gay?”

“Yeah,” Eddie replies. It’s a little scary to say and Eddie knows he might have another freak out later, but right in this moment he feels fearless. 

“Wow, spaghetti. Didn’t know you had it in you,” Richie jokes. 

Eddie rolls his eyes. “I’m trying to have a moment here, asshole.”

“Well okay, Mr Romantic,” Richie says a little sarcastically, but he’s smiling. 

Eddie kisses him again to shut him up. 

//

Somewhere else, an old turtle smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr [@horrorfilmlesbian](https://horrorfilmlesbian.tumblr.com/) or on twitter [@lorenotlorax](https://twitter.com/lorenotlorax)


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